YOU TUBE TUESDAY

Originating , at Its Tiger Time, You Tube Tuesday is a day set aside for sharing your favorite video. Feel free to join in and let's have fun seeing how creative us bloggers can be! Each month If you participate, please remember to leave your link in the Linky Tool that is available at:
http://itstigertime.blogspot.com/


THIS IS WHAT IT"S LIKE TO HAVE DISSOCIATIVE IDENTITY DOSORDER

SUICIDE SURVIVER/LISA BRANDEL/REAL LIFE SERIES

This is the twenty-second  in a series of  posts ......it's about real struggle..real life...real pain...and getting through to the other side....thank you to all my guests for helping me find my voice...

 Today I am honored to share a post by:

 LISA BRANDEL…This woman has touched my life in so many ways….I first found Lisa on her wonderful Blog The widow Lady…She did an awesome guest post for me on grief..she wrote about exactly where I was when I was..Today she talks about her own pain ..and I cry as I read it…Thank you LISA BRANDEL for being here for me once again…

Just like it was yesterday.

I’ve had a companion with me these past few months, one who has been clinging tight to my back and making my journey harder. The other day a post Bonnie did forced me to look at this gorilla on my back. It was not easy to do, but I’ve lived with this for so long I believed that it might help her in our journey, with her constant companion. Up until yesterday, only one person knew anything about it in detail, my mother. Not even my late husband knew what I am about to share here for you, at Bonnies request. I have been told many times over my life that I internalize my feelings, and I do, so hold hands with me now as I let this bit of history I’ve hidden away out for healings sake. 

The irony here is that this happened well over 20 years ago, and yet it is topical to today. There have been a rash of kids who have either tried or successfully killed themselves over bullying. Back in my day (not to sound old) but there were just as many, it’s just their stories weren’t put in the paper. And that is where my story begins.

I was bullied in school. Mercilessly. I was a sensitive child, and even though my parents were good and did their best to instill confidence in me, the words and actions of my peers had a much greater weight than their words of love.

Kids called me hungry, hungry hippo, they used to sing and chant it at me at the lunch table, and when they ruined my lunch to where I was so sick I couldn’t eat, the lunch teacher helped them make fun of me…by making me sit by myself as kids filed out jeering at me, until “I eat everything on my plate”. When I did eventually, I’d go to the bathroom and throw it all up. It lead to a cycle of bulimia and anorexia the effects of which I still feel today. 

The names and faces of all this have blurred with time, repression, forgiveness, and release. But some instances stand out. Returning to the gym locker room to discover someone had spit a hocker in my clothes or wiped their period blood on my stuff. Being out with my friends on a Halloween night and being singled out by 3 high school boys, who after my friends ran away, took turns kicking me in the ribs. Me trying to stand up for myself, only to have one of my bullies run and get an adult to protect them from ME. The adult threatened ME with calling the police and called ME a little bitch for picking on these poor group of girls!! And what ultimately lead to my breaking point…the torture on the bus. A pair of girls made it their life’s mission to torment me on the bus. I never did anything to them, but it happened so much that every morning I would wake up and puke with nerves.

After school I would miss the bus on purpose and walk home so I could avoid that evening’s abuse. 

The day at school had been terrible. The T-shirt that my parents bought me on a trip was ruined by someone wiping themselves while on their period with it. And I was at my wits end with it all. I had tried to reach out for help from teachers, who either ignored it, or told me to suck it up. I was walking home from school to avoid the bus bullies when I ran into one of them on the way home. I tried to avoid them, but they headed straight for me. I remember screaming, I remember trying to get away, and I remember getting beat up. I didn’t defend myself, because of all things, I didn’t want to hurt another human being. Not even one who was intent on hurting me. Eventually they left, and I made it home.

I never let them see me cry. I never gave them that. I took my licks with as much dignity as I could muster. But when I got home I started bawling and couldn’t stop. The grasp I had on life was gone, and I hated. Not them. Me. And I had to stop the pain and the hate, and the only way I thought to do it was to end my own life.

It’s a blur now. I remember taking lots of pills. I remember getting into my parents alcohol to wash it down. I remember sitting on my bed wondering why I wasn’t dead already. I remember then begging God not to let me die. I remember seeing my parents and thinking how dumb I was not to want to hurt the people who were mean to me, but how much hurt they would have if I died. I remember struggling to eat something. I remember struggling to make sure my parents did not see what I had done. I remember going to bed early. I remember struggling to breathe. I remember waking up hanging over the side of my bed with blood dripping from my nose and drool dripping from my mouth. I remember begging God more. I remember the pain in my body. I remember the smell and taste of medicine.

And then by some miracle, I remember waking up that morning. I got sick several times, but I was alive.

I got up that morning and I swore I’d never do it again. I would never try to take my life again. What didn’t change is the desire to die. Days turned into weeks, turned into months, turned into years. Years passed and I walked in a living private hell of wanting desperately to die, struggling each day to hold on to any thread of a reason to want to live. It was a process of choices, counseling, spiritual growth, forgiving myself and others to keep putting one foot in front of the other and making the choice to live.

It took me years to be able to say, “I’m a suicide survivor.”

Long after all this happened and I had grown into an woman of positivity, the unthinkable happened. I found someone I love, who had been disintegrating for months previous, dead by their own hand. I tried CPR…I tried begging…but they were gone.

Forgiveness came quickly. That wasn’t hard. After all, I knew what the struggle to live was about. I could empathize with the moment they found themselves in.

But it brought back my own struggle in memory. Vivid color of a life’s struggle, and I began to withdraw from people. I shut down mentally and emotionally to protect myself from visiting that dark place I’d been before. I already struggled with PTSD from other events, and now I had the flashes of his dead cold body lying there, seeing things I should never have had to see. 

Thank God, I had grown. Thank God, I had a foundation of healing behind me, and that I had endured what I had to become the woman whose heart followed a lighter path. Because as close to the edge as this even brought me, I did try, and still am to share what was going on inside me. Some people didn’t understand, and that’s ok. Some people disbelieved me when I tried to share just how black I felt inside, and it didn’t bother me. Some people thought I was a hypocrite for shelling out positive things when I myself felt so black inside, that is ok too. They can think anything they want to, because at the end of my life only I stand accountable for me. This is my journey. My struggle. And in time I will make it my victory.

Because I laid the foundation of my healing, in my faith and words, the event has broken me again, but has not destroyed me. It won’t’ and I won’t allow it to. Life is worth every tear shed, ever drop of my blood, and every pain I endure.

My name is Lisa, and I am a suicide survivor.




Please visit Lisa's amazing Art here:


Lisa brandel art and human condition

SUICIDE IDEATION

Here's a subject you don't want to hear about,,
but I live it everyday,,,
It's called Suicide ideation..
and right now it's at a peak for me...
I envision ways for me to take my own life..
and remember I don't live alone in my head so I have lot's of ideas and help...
Most wont know what to say to this it is to taboo a subject,,
 but turning your head and ignoring it helps no one..

I have spent the day in and out of sleep and or consciousness ...
dreaming of dying...
I have spent time in my head saying goodbye to those i love..
I dream of nothing more then to be at the beach..
dead yet alive again..free from pain.........

there are times it's just ideation and times the act is planned out..
P likes to annoy me and she has spent the day calling me every hour,,,
just letting me know she is there..telling me I can't die......
only you can't stop someone when they are truly ready to go..
seems Ju JU and Sam were up front for her..
she talked about more drugs that don't work..none of them ever do...
I've had to deal with public aid...
disability...flooding..flashbacks...
and a pain in my side that is wearing me down...
I can't handle anymore and wish for nothing more then death..
nothing more then death....

As always

P TRIED TO COMFORT US

Well it happened today I finally feel apart....
I couldn't keep it all inside anymore....
I saw P in the morning and some tears fell but I kept rather quiet...
but during the day I siad more stuff through other media to her.....

I started crying and couldn't stop....
and all the fear was surrounding me...
i left there crying all the way home....
the whole idea of the testing and public aid finally took a hold of me and crushed me....
I started thinking as my utilities are about to be shut off that I will lose the contact I have with P..
which most days keep me afloat..
keeps me feeling safe and I know she is there....
I can not bare losing internet and phone connection with her.....
that has been my rope to cling too....

finally I felt myself thinking of death and crying uncontrollably..
and P had a cancelation and asked if i wanted to come back.....
I said yes and headed over there still crying....

She wanted us to go to the beach with my chance to rest and she could talk to the others.....
I didn't go very deep today..
too much was in the way so I stayed on the beach with them....
I heard what they had to say.......
P asked each one what they were doing....
Death replied Ï am planning"....
Lil bits was hiding......

Bongo was crying (this doesn't happen often)..
Jen said nothing...
Liz beth was hiding....
Dear Heart couldn't be found...
Sam was clinging to P's hand crying....
Ju ju said ï'm dying"(JU JU...doesn't eat)

then there's me who has to hear all their voices inside..
At one point P held us..
we felt her gentle touch and heard her words...
.she promised to stay with us..
never leave us...
she stroked our hair and tried to comfort us...
but we are still so sad..
we have yet to stop crying...
we feel un safe and alone and don't know what to do.....
from minute to minute I don't know who I am or what I am feeling.....
.it's a horrible way to live....

and we all just want to go away....
just make it all stop....
just slip away...

As always.....

SAM SAVED US

Sam a sweet little girl afraid of the world..
with a dirty dress..
her skin scarred with cuts and dirt...
saved the day...I was not sure what would happen with this testing but seems Sam pushed forward and took the tests..
some questions didn't make sense for her.
P tried to help as much as she could.....
we had panic in our heart and....
we were shaking,,
there was a war going on inside,,
and Bongo tried to push for to help us..

but we couldn't let that happen...
the fact that this 9 year old little girl knew what to do..
was amazing...
she understood more then i did..
all I hear was chinese..
at one point we needed a break..
our head was hurting and we were flooded with shame..
we couldn't say the things we wanted to,,,

so now today were are really DID.
.i can't pretend ever again..
People that know will look at us differently ..
like we are crazy or dangerous.. they won't understand...

we felt P's touch which helped us to go on...
we didn't like the pictures ..
we made no sense of them and
 we couldn't do math problems in our head..

 they wouldn't let us use pen and paper and
Sam couldn't draw anymore,,,,
we look forward to seeing P's eyes tomorrow cause her eyes don't lie ...
and we'll really know what she thinks of us....
we don't want to be DID,,
we don't like it...
we still wanna go away...
and sam says the angels com..
the angels come...

As always.....

THE SECRET BACK INSIDE

Today I have felt very foggy....
 and have not been able to stop cryin...
P says I am stressed out to the max because of the testing I have tomorrow.....
tests that scare me to death..
tests that I can't imagine getting  through....
I can't imagine opening this up and forever having a diagnosis of DID....
I don't want it... I want it to go away...
I want to go away...
I have no Desiree to live lie this..

worrying when I'm gonna get laundry detergent.....
 toilet paper or shampoo for me and the kids
I'm looking at my bills all being ready to be shut off....
all I can see is darkness and.....
 my greatest wish still remains to go away forever...

I know P will be there with me but that is not enough..
it's the idea that one of us has to say whats real and no one in us wants that..

we want the secret back inside where it belongs....

Ju ju , Sam, Death, and Bongo have been up front....
I feel like there is a war goin on in side me...
I can not sleep even with meds....
anxiety and nightmares make it impossible....
I feel worthless....
like I don't mater at all....
I can't eat...when I try I throw it up...
People can't understand the terror inside.....
the amount of noise in my head..
each layer having their own opinons and fear....
it's like living in a pretend surreal movie
Just like a surreal movie....

As always....

YOU TUBE TUESDAY

Originating , at Its Tiger Time, You Tube Tuesday is a day set aside for sharing your favorite video. Feel free to join in and let's have fun seeing how creative us bloggers can be! Each month If you participate, please remember to leave your link in the Linky Tool that is available at:
http://itstigertime.blogspot.com/


THIS IS WHAT IT"S LIKE TO HAVE DISSOCIATIVE IDENTITY DOSORDER

WE LOVE HER SO

There was a time nothing scared me.....
I felt I could take on the world and succeed.....
there was no fear...I felt no pain.....
Bongo was in control.....
I...
me...
was numb.....
but I functioned....
I worked more then full time.....
I took care of my then 3 young children....








today I sit here in my room isolated ...
from everything....
afraid to move....
feeling worthless...
I often ask what happened ...
what changed....
I knew I was not allowed to talk..
I was not allowed to use my voice.....
I went from therapist to therapist...
pretending...avoiding ..distracting...

then I found Z....
and though I spent a good 6 years pretending...
something happened....
I found safety...I found trust.....
though i still avoided...somehow he snuck in.....
we opened the door.....

I told my story...
all the gory details....
and my life changed....
I became more aware of who I was inside...
and then life changed again......
just as I was opening up and living in terror because of it.....
Z left and I went through a grief I have never known before.....
everything in me hurt....
I wanted it to stop..
I wanted to die....
and my guard was again up and I swore to never trust again...
I was again UN safe....

Then came P...
like a tornado she entered my every crevice.....
everything in me fought her....
we weren't gonna let her in....
we weren't gonna be hurt again....
but she stayed....
she touched us over and over again...
she wiped our tears...
she hugged us ....
she gave us PBB.....
she did things for us no one ever had before....
she spoke to all of us....
and now she's there with us through the public aid process.....
she fights for us.....
With the DID she knows who's there with her..
and she loves each one of us......
yet we are all still scared...
we have never known love like this....
no one has ever accepted and fought for us......

we don't have to pretend with her....
she knows when we hurt and she comforts us...
she see's a future for us...
she promises to help us be ok.....
she knows i want nothing more then to die...
she understands it....
but she won't allow it.....
she holds on to faith and hope for us....
we love her ...
we love her so....

As always....

THE PROCESS 2

piece by piece ..

another piece of me is being torn away......

with each question I get smaller and smaller

again I was at public aid...

 and they gave me a card with which to buy plenty of food ..

so no on would starve..

I looked around and noticed the ages of the people....

I would guess all in there 20's with young kids...

still their hair neatly done..

nails manicured some with heels...

and all brand named clothes...

but no one would starve....

.but there is no money given for everyday household things..

 like toilet paper...

personal hygiene products....

laundry detergent.. 

or gas to get back and forth to their office...

then back to P's office....

most of the questions she read out loud and answered for me..

she already knew the answers....

if only I could be free to say whats goin on in my head.....

the last tests have to be face to face ,,

by a man i do not know nor trust..

P says she'll be there with me .. but the idea already starts a panic..... 

maybe Bongo will come out and save the day.. 

cause I sure won't be there...

for too long I had to hide this and it took a lot of hard work....

why would I say anything now...

I can talk about some of it here..

and some of it with P ...

but not with a  weasel of a man i don't know nor trust..

no way..fuck that....

it's not worth it to me...

'm sorry I started the process at all...

they are pulling me apart like a Turkey leg..

and there is much chaos inside i have yet to talk about..

P says we;ll talk about it tomorrow.. 

I say she'll be doin all the talkin while I go away....

I don't want to hear anymore..

The fear is immense....

and the fear wins...

I give up....

I quit....

As always....

THE PROCESS

My words have been stuck..
I sit here and stare at a blank page....
wishing the words to come...
there just has been so much happening ..
so fast...
I can't see past it alll....





I have been to the public aid office.....
and was shocked at some of the things I saw....
it was the fist snow storm here.....freezing temps.....
and here were these "ladies" coming in with 6 inch heels and mid drift shirts......
I mean really...good grief.....
then there were the 3 in front of me.....

the one skinny guy making love offerings..with very broad girlfriend..
sticking his finger in her ear.....
was waiting for them to hump each other right there.......
ohhh and the chairs each tied together so they couldn't be picked up and thrown......
and the guards walkin round with guns at their waste.....
one guard came right over and cell phone needed to be shut off..the other guard ...
very loud....forcing his friendliness....
The woman ready to pop a baby any minute...
with her heels...her hair professionally done....her nails professionally done....
her clothes brand named fitting snug...
as she waited online for public assistance....


I don't know how long we were there...
no concept of time...before my name was called.....
then hustled in an elevator and taken to this cramped room and asked questions..
I didn't want to answer...
I felt scared and childlike.....
here I was a once functioning person...
now completely in pieces unable to care for myself or my children....
begging for help......
I felt like dirt scattered on the floor.....

This is just a first step in a process that I don't want to be part of.....

when I saw P the other day..she said..Santa came.....
I wasn't quite sure what she meant until she explained.....
the ANTIOCH group which she is part of..and has been part of my family ...
got together and bought food for my family....
I can't tell you how this professional group has gotten together to help me and my kids over many years.....
it's quite a humbling feeling.....

the next part of this process is I have to have psychological testing to be able to claim disability....
I have been through this testing many times in my life.....
and always managed to breeze through looking like everything is "fine"....
to appear "NORMAL".....
I have spent my life hiding everything....never letting anyone know my secrets....
this time I'm expected to makes myself not look fine....
to let them know I have these things goin on....
looking like a nut and doing it on purpose....




P has promised she would be with me for this testing....
holding me accountable for honest answers.....
but until I'm there and through it I have no idea how it will go......

I don't know how to explain the intense fear I have been experiencing......
and because of the stress....
the nightmares and switching have been intense....
I have been trying to push it all away....
pretend it's not happening.....
pretend I don't live with 8 or 9 people in my head.....

the suicide ideation has been at a peak....
the thoughts are constantly there....


I wish I could go back to a time when Bongo was in control and I felt nothing....
there were no tears then.....
no pain....
I was numb...




but functioning......

As always.....

I SLIP AWAY

It's a full moon..
maybe explains all the weirdness goin on....

I'm feeling very trapped ..
and I can't find a way out.....
knowing I have no income is big..
really big...





I was scared to death at the grocery store..
felt tears falling down...
.trying to buy as much food as i could get....
 with the money I have left...

i can't live like this..
if I can't take care of my kids then it's not worth living any longer....

and then I have all this noise in my head...
 of the others voices...
I'm having bad nightmares and flooding from past abuse..
and I don't know what to do with it..
the money stuff has been so up front ...
that i have not been able to talk to P... ..
about any of it...
I don't
even know how...

I never imagined at this time in my life I would be where I am...
I feel I have failed at life...
with all the love and encouragement surrounding me ...
I still feel very alone...
I wish Bongo was here..
I need her..
because I can not hold on any longer....

i close my eyes at night and pray i won't wake up.
.and I am angry when i do...
and it starts all over again...
I have failed at life..
i have failed my kids..
there is no reason to be....
the angels come..
as I slip away into the lightbulb....
i slip away....


As always....

CHANGING WHAT'S REAL

 Changing What's Real Event

At the beginning of each month ANNA will be showcasing a photo gallery displaying the original photo and the subsequent editions that have been done.  There will be a linky tool available for anyone who would like to join in the fun.  The event will begin here the first day of each month and continue until the last day of the month. :


Here's my try :

                                                                                 

Ok I'm not a photographer but this was fun !!!! Thanx Anna Sides !!

http://othersideofanna5.blogspot.com/2011/11/changing-whats-real-month-1.html#more

MY EMPTY SOUL

l.ife has been a really rough tornado..
and I don't see it letting up too soon....
i think often of death and finally resting,,,
the suicide ideation is at it's peak....
 and I have very little with which to fight it.....

My mother has been supporting me and my children for a long time now....and she can't afford to any longer......
I am at a point that I can not take care of my children....
I have never not been able to take care of them....
I sit here wondering which utility will go of first..
or how long the food in the frig will last.....

my lifeline is with P and the idea of losing the internet or phone to communicate with her or the rest of the world scares me to death.....

I know if I am flooding or simply shaking in fear I have a way to connect with P....

on top of all this the DID is playing havoc with my head..there is a lot of switching goin on...and Ju Ju continues to be up front..she is severely depressed and wants nothing more then to die....
I feel as she does right now.....
to close my eyes and never have to wake up again....

P has worked so hard for me....and let's me know through her time...words and touch that she is very much there for me....I have come to be able to admit that I love her..
that in itself scares me....

I have again received emails from Z .
.but his words bring me right back to abandonment and trust issues..
he has hurt me again..and his words break my heart..
I don't know what to believe or not believe anymore..
and I keep asking my self what I did that was so wrong..
that I don't have the friendship he had promised..
well there is a friendship but on his level not mine.....
my needs are not and will not be met....
I imagine it's just... another person to have hurt me...
and it hurts that I respected him and his words,,,
that now....they appear not to be true...
people say it's his issues etc..but unfortunately ..
I was the one to get hurt and will always have a scar to remember it.......

P has been very much here for me..
she spends an amazing amount of time with me to let me know I am special and that I matter....
she holds on to me and carry's me..
she is so different..then anyone i have ever known..
she holds my hand and strokes my hair..
she calls and texts just to see how I am doin..
no one has ever done this for me...

but there is so much that is up front that I am overwhelmed...
I feel like life has been drained from me...
i have no energy to move..and I am afraid that one of us will act on death....

And Sam feels silenced because we aren't listening to her stories anymore...
her folder of pictures still stay un opened in the car....
today when I went to the beach....
as she held my hand i felt some of her pain in my body.....
I felt my wrists tied tightly with rope and i saw the angels come...
when this happens I flood and feel it as if it is happening today...
it takes days for the flooding to subside....

everything is all mixed up and I have no more room in my head for it....
I just wanna be left alone....
just wanna close my eyes forever....
rest in peace...

Against everything I believe in...I feel trapped and need to find some way to take care of me and my children..so I have added a donation button....please don't feel pressure.... but if you can help in any way possible my children and I would truly appreciate it....

As always.....