the grandmother and the dirty little girl were there.......
I looked at the little girl and without looking up....
she said"what's your name"over and over again ...
"what's your name"....
I remember coming out of the visualization..tears falling down my cheeks..
looking up at Z ..
asking why does she want to know my name? ...
She is me isn't she??...
This was when at this part in therapy with Z ...I was and he were assuming this little girl was my ïnner child"...we were both wrong....
this is when the elephant in the room was let loose.......
As the weeks went by the grandmother disappeared and so did the "dirty little girl" ...
but when I went down the steps to the beach..there was a dark corner....just under the boardwalk...
where I saw that little girl....
she was as deep in that corner as she could get.....
she had long stringy dark hair.....
her skin was stained in dirt and blood..
and her dress he same dirty and blood stained....
she was there in the corner...
shaking and crying.....
there were a few times I visited the beach but avoided the little girl.......I was there for rest....
so I could breathe....
so I could handle the feelings that were on the outside world......
but the chaos inside was growing......and I was drawn a little closer each time....and one day I asked her...."my name is Bonnie...what is your name"and she turned a little.....
still not looking up and said ....
"my name is Sam....
Sam I am"......
It was the first time I had interacted with any alter....
and Sam is still though there are many...
Sam is still the only one I can interact with.....
Over the weeks and months I spent more and more time visiting the beach and little by little Sam shared more and more with me......
with Z....
Sam I came to find out was 9 years old...
and she came at a time when the abuse was so horrific I could not handle anymore...
Sam came to take the pain.....
Sam protected me so I could survive.....
Sam is the one who holds all of the pain all of the memories from age 5-9 ......
Sam is again ....
in that dark corner ....
as deep as she can get.....
shaking...
and crying......
I love you....Sam I am........
As always......
