I was still feeling the meds from the night so I felt no need for anything else...I wasn't in panic mode...if anything I was lethargic...
I actually arrived 15 minutes early...I saw it had snowed so I left a little earlier assuming I would be driving slower.....Wrong.....roads were fine....
I usually park in the back lot and this morning I parked in the front...I'm not sure if I did it consciously or subconsciously.....I did find it strange after when I left ...
I remembered P doesn't take that 10 minutes between clients, which meant I had to be inside by 9:58....
I don't like being too early...it creates too much anxiety waiting...
So I went in sat...and P comes to greet me....
I looked as I entered the room and again avoided the red chairs and sat in my blue chair in the corner...I made sure the tissues were handy....took my glasses off and out the window I stared...
I know some of the words P said ...and even my own words stung like a bee...I know when talking about Z leaving I felt tears...actually I think the tears were falling for most of the time....I can't remember any exact words or things...just remember hurting.....
I do remember some stuff that I just can't write here yet.....
even with the hurt of Z leaving...and hearing P.....and staring out that window....I felt and saw things.....
Sam was right there with me....I could hear and feel her..and the movies were still playing in my head..
I know some of my tears were from things that are not done....they are still there...and I swore that when I said goodbye to my beach that I would be as I was before I ever gave voice to anything...I swore I was done.....
But it's till there.....even as P was speaking , her voice was muffled out....the noise inside was so big....and I felt this drained empty feeling..
I don't have the right words to express it.....
At some point I was staring at canisters on P's shelf...and they reminded me of how I made my email to be Oreos for life and the name Z picked for his email..that was a good memory...and I even smiled..
there really are some good, good memories...those don't leave with Z..they are mine...
But stuff is so mixed up that I can't seem to hold on to the good...
I know I have learned so very much with Z.....I know There have been big breakthroughs...I know I have done things I never thought I could...
I know things have changed....because I'm not angry.....I can't cut my losses with Z..I've tried... which means I have changed....In the past, that would have been an easy task....
I know there was a time that I could not cry....
I cry buckets now....
When it was time to go...P asked if a hug was OK...and I said yes....her hugs are warm and genuine....they are good and do not hurt...I so don't understand why it's so easy to accept that hug from P and it's so hard to accept it from Z.....
I'm getting lost in this writing now.....and can feel and the noise is loud....I feel so tired and deep tired...
I just want to rest...fly away like a butterfly......
As always...as always.........
BB that your tears are flowing it is a wonderful thing! To know that P is there too. And lastly remember A is here to get you that closer to the my confusion then letting you release yours.. hehe
ReplyDeleteLove as always and Of course "I see you!"
I wrote this sometime ago in a moment of clarity when I was struggling to remember the good things. I'm giving it to you because it's special as are you:
ReplyDeleteIn my dream I see you standing so far away, all dressed in creamy shades of white and as you glide further out of reach you scatter my memories here and there, each one lined with a flower so fragile and easily crushed.
As I rush to protect them and pick them up, I lose so many along the wayward path.
Even though they crumble in my heavy hands and perish, they appear to be growing again, some slower than others and all of a sudden it comes to me and I realise that a memory cannot be crushed or lost, as it will always show itself again sooner or later.
I look for you but you are gone but like my memories you linger on.
oxox
It is a good sign that you can cry! When you are completely closed off, your body no longer crying, the tears dry up and you no longer care, no longer feel. Crying shows you do feel and you do care! Although I don't know you in person, I feel as though I know a little bit about where you are at. I have visited that place for a short time not too long ago. So, I can tell you that things do change and they do get better with each passing day. I am here for you if you ever need to just unload on somone:)
ReplyDeleteThat was a Great poem SJ! Bonnie you consistently twist my heart! Keep writing,we all know your day is coming and when it does it will happen suddenly! Until then, you continue to keep on going strong like you are doing!
ReplyDeletealejandro guzman: Awwwww (A)they are flowing and filling up buckets.....looking forward to your confusion....you make me laugh..and laughing is always a good thing .....As always...XOXOXOXO
ReplyDeleteSJ: You so caught me off guard...it's such a beautiful visualization you have shared..It is much like my beach....thank you ...thank you and thank you again...Man...."I look for you but you are gone but like my memories you linger on".I hope it lingers very clearly forever...As always....XOXOXOXOXO
ReplyDeleteMary : that's what everyone keeps saying..but it has been almost 3 moths and I'm filling buckets..I wish I didn't care I didn't feel...it hurts too much....i can't see change .. I can't see past this thick fog.. and I'm terrified deep with in...Thank you soooo much for being here for me ....As always...XOXOXOXO
ReplyDeleteEd Lawrence: Aww Ed thank you....even in pain ..the idea of writing is having the reader use alll their senses to come along with you...if that's what this blog does ...then maybe it is worth it.. I don't know...if something good comes out of it....then it has been a job well done.. that would be my reward....to touch someone....Thank you...As always...XOXOXO
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